What does the impact of relinquishing a baby on a woman have to do with the larger society and why do I believe it is something worth writing a book about?
2.7 babies born in the US were given up for adoption in the past twenty years. That means that 2.7 percent of new mothers were effected by relinquishing a baby for one reason or another. That is not a huge statistic, however, it does equal a lot of human beings impacted by adoption. Unfortunately there has not been a lot of research done on either adoptees or biological mothers. Not because of lack of interest, but lack of resources. But the research that is published implies that adoption is a risk factor when exploring such issues as depression in teens. There is a significant increase in depression with adopted teens. There are slightly higher incidents of suicide with adoptees, even a higher percentage of suicides with women who have relinquished a baby.
I am most interested in the impact on the mother. Little research has been done on the subject, some good qualitative studies have been published, but not enough. Women's bodies physically prepare to care for a baby, so even though she might be ready to release her infant intellectually, physically she is not and endures a time of grief which is not supported by the policies. In order for policies to change, myths do have to be changed, too. The best way to change myths is to educate people of the realities. Getting peoples' stories out into the public is a good way to do this.
Philomena's success is an indication of the interest of the American public in the subject. It did help that Judy Densch starred in the role, but the story itself was poignant and relatable to others and disturbing. Baby theft under the guise of sin is not ok. Other books are available, The Adoption Reader, Edited by Susan Wadia-Ells, The Girls Who Went Away, by Ann Fessler, and several others collect stories of the Adoption Triad.
My book will be different in its focus and its format. Adding the photography should make women more real, more like your next door neighbor, for she is your next door neighbor. I will focus on the impact of loss, how grief is addressed and if, when and how reunions effect the grief. Grief is not well addressed in this culture, which is part of the problem. We are asked to buck up, go back to school or work, put it in your past. We are not taught how to embrace it and accept it and make it part of our fabric. This book will help us understand the importance of embracing grief. This book looks at a larger problem, the avoidance of loss and grief in our lives through the stories of women whose baby has been placed with someone else to raise a subset of women who deal with "complicated grief", on-going grief in our time.
Grief:
A Color in the Blanket
You know that
brown
like a
heather brown,
color of the
fields just before snow arrives.
There’s some
morning light
washing over
it. Beautiful, one
must lull in
it, make it part of
the giant
picture.
We don’t want
to embrace grief.
We want to
rub it off our skin
as fast as we
can.
When we think
she might be
driving near,
we want to hide in our
neighbor’s
house until she goes away,
laughing,
joking and drinking,
pretending we
don’t see her sitting
there waiting
for us by the kitchen
window like
the ghost that Daddy saw
nightly
across the way in the Ryan’s house.
But we need
to embrace her
We need to
call her up
Ask her to
come spend a night
Feel her veil
as we listen to Mahler.
She is very
important to us.
She is a
major part of who we are
If we ignore
her, we leave caverns in our own
selves to
fall into,
get caught in
the dark.
She is the
grey of a July
foggy evening
when you are
trying to see
the sandpipers
hop along the
tide line.
She is gentle
and can lull you
into silent
tears, silent pain.
She is the
dark blue black of 2 a.m.
in winter
when the moon is new.
The
temperature increasingly colder,
she grabs
your ears
pushes
through your pants,
tightening
your thighs,
pinching your
toes,
your nose and
your belly.
Remember
grief climbs up your trellis
uncontrollably
when you ignore her.
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