Day # 59: Sky is clear tonight

#59

Went out to dinner with a friend tonight.  Ate Thai food.  It was really good. I dropped her off, drove home, got out of the car and the sky was brilliant.  The moon is about half-moon and Venus has set, but Mercury is up there, and I can see Orion.  

We have had either overcast skies or it has been way too cold to get out and look up.  The average temperature for the month of February was 11 this year.  That is amazing.  Cold, it has been a cold and snowy month.  March will come in tomorrow like a lion and blow a lot of snow around once more.  But it will be March, and Spring is around the corner. I love stars.

It is hard to work during the day on my book, get excited by it and not share it on the blog.  But in the past couple of days there hasn't been anything appropriate to share other than I'm having a good time meeting new people and I think I have the format figured out.  I have begun to put together the stories.  It really will be a compilation of original mom voices surrounded by context set by me.  I'm really moved by the writings that I have been sent this week.  I can't wait until I can travel and do some photos, too.

I am designing a photo show for June, too.  It is a show about the food coop I belong to and the people that make up that community.  I've written some about it in this blog.  Now I am organizing photos from the past few years and I will print and frame them.  I have to do it slowly, again because of the cost, but it is pure fun.  

Day #58: May Spring Creep In

#58

cowbells . . .

the pasture view

never the same

Vince Tripi

Meet Vince. Vince is a poet and a Coop Community member. Today we had a really wonderful conversation about my book, his book, the world and its problems. He told me a really poignant story about when he was with Family Services in New Jersey a while ago. It broke my heart. I'm trying to get him to write it for this blog. We'll see if he does it.

Meanwhile, I have had about five or six sweater stories given to me this week. Keep them coming folks. They are really fun to write, and if you can, take a photo of the sweater, too. I have a photo of me wearing the sweater in college somewhere. I'll try to scan it. I really do think it would make a nice small book.
Spring is coming. 9 days before we set our clocks forward and light prevails. It was really sunny today, I sat in a sunny window for 2 hours and read. I've been doing a lot of writing this week like I said I would. These stories are complicated and they are other peoples' stories to be treated with the utmost respect. It's hard not to get a little paralyzed around it. But they are coming and that is partially due to the sun's return.

A reoccurring theme this week has been learning to be in the moment, or being present in a given moment. I, too, am working on this. It is part of my forgiveness work. I still feel that I am so unaware of what it is I need to forgive; one believes they know and then all of a sudden something different is in one's face. I think the older we get the more cluttered our brains get, or the fuller our brains get and that taking moments to meditate or be in prayer or do something intentional that takes you out of your own mind, like playing an instrument, becomes essential. Doing these things erase the static or the chaos and let one start thinking again in a clearer manner.
Recently I have been doing palates in the water with a teacher who treats it like yoga. I leave the pool and get into the hot tub and it brings me back into balance. I am ready to work on the book. I am ready to be present and listen. I have to remember to intentionally breathe during the day, too.
I am looking forward to Spring. I am looking forward to using all of these methods of being in the world when there is more light, warmer temperatures and new pictures to take. I am ready to go back to singing and I am excited by the prospect of beginning to write up my interviews. Spring holds many new things for me this year. Very cool.

Day #57:Reunion

#57

 I have spent the morning in Adoptionland.  I've met interesting people this morning.  It is true that creative and smart women make up a large portion of this world.  During one phone call we discussed whether reopening my search for my daughter would be an important move to make.  In these days of open adoptions and reunions on TV, it is usually the first question I am asked by someone who is not a part of the triad.  Am I in reunion?  I am not.  I did find my daughter and I do know where she is, but after 18 years she still has not reached back out to me.  It has been suggested that I call her.  I am not sure if I am ready to do that.  Certainly writing this book is opening up the possibility.  I find it a little mind boggling

Today I had two women mention the fact that one needs to be well organized to be able to pull this book together.  I have never thought of my organization skills as being highly developed.  Anyone who knows me knows I depend on my memory way too much and that things like bills rarely get filed or organized in such a manner that someone else could step into my world.  Yet, I am managing to do it with this book, and I am admitting to myself that I am old enough now that I may not depend entirely on my memory.  So I am taking wonderful notes and am grateful for all of the secretary positions on committees that I have held over the years.  All of those times taking notes and organizing information for other people to reference what was decided and discussed in all of those meetings I sat through in my 30 years of literacy work.  Had to come to some good sometime.

Anyone think of a sweater story?

 

Day #56: Lines and Orchards

#56

 Where did this day go?  Oh My God.  There was just one thing after another and nothing seemed to go anywhere.  Oh well, it is over.  Emma and I ended the evening with a Sherlock episode.  Kind of a funky note to end on.

Anybody else with a sweater story.  I was trying to think of one.  I kept very few things of my father's after he died.  I have a bottle of ink, his color, which I have let Emma use with her quill.  I had a silver cigarette case that his buddies at Princeton gave him at graduation which I think my brother, Geoff has now.  He was smoking, I wan't.  And I had a sweater of his, a beautiful blue sweater that I took to college and wore a lot throughout the 4 years I was at Marlboro.  It was way too long for me and I always felt to warm in it, even in Vermont snowy evenings.  But I loved it none the less.
Sometime after I left Marlboro and was living in Massachusetts, my good friend Peter borrowed it.  He looked very handsome in it so I let him keep it.  I think that maybe the story of all of my sweaters.  I actually only own one at the moment and I love it.  It is thick cotton, navy blue and buttons up the neck.  I always feel smart in it.  But again, it is really warm, so I don't let myself feel smart too often.

Speak your grief.  Express it, paint it, write it, scream it.  I don't care how you do it, but speak your grief and don't let it fester in your weak spots, don't let it make you sick.  You are allowed to scream it from the highest mountains.  Please, do!!!!

Day #55: A Quick Glance At The Book

#55

I worked hard on my book today.  Applause, please.  I'm not sure how to integrate some of what I am learning into this blog.  I have organized 12 interviews.  I have 4 of them fairly well established and mostly written.  Being this far along has lead to some new questions, like what order should I place the stories in?    I have decided to go with a chronological order because the social context of each one is slightly different and we might as well follow an historical perspective.

There are also several issues within the field and each story illustrates a different issue.  There is some duplication , but each story is unique within the larger picture.  For example, several of the interviewed women have had reunions, some of them have lead to positive relationships with a son or daughter, some have lead to extremely difficult relationships, and some have been unsuccessful.  Each stories elements play into the resolution of each pair.  Adoption itself has changed over the past 60 years and I hope that is well defined by these stories. 

The stories themselves will all be told in both narrative and quotes produced by personal  writings and quotes  depending on the writing comfort level of each mom.  I think each story will have its own flavor and that the voice of the individual woman will come through. 

Let me share an example from one of the interviews.   One of the questions I ask is what advice you would give someone who wanted to search.  M.P. suggests "make sure you are feeling strong. It is a fragile undertaking"  "This is not a play you can rewrite."  She goes on to say that we need to forgive ourselves first, maybe not completely, "I don't know if we ever forgive ourselves completely.  I'm not sure I'll ever be there myself." But she knew that the relationship was navigated in a healthier way when she did it because of where she was in her own cycle of self forgiveness.  It helped her to be proactive in her new relationship with her daughter and not just reactive.

 I found a few more blogs that I like, too.  You can get lost in the internet when you start to follow a line of thought from one site to another.  It's kind of crazy how much information is out there and how much is thorough and how much of it is good writing and how much of it isn't.   I'm hoping to give those of you interested in the adoption field examples of well thought out resources. 

OK, this picture was taken a year ago today at the Turners Falls Discovery Center.  I just thought he might make a few of you smile.  Remember this is all about balance.  



Here is one of those links I was talking about, it will take you to an interesting blog.

https://www.facebook.com/isadoptiontrauma/photos/a.379023165612526.1073741840.300439036804273/381277032053806/?type=1

Day #54:A New Idea

#54

Had dinner with a good friend tonight in Brattleboro.  I love friends, especially friends who think about a lot of the same things that I think about.  Dianna and I went around both our lives and touched all bases and then talked about projects.  She doesn't know it, but she inspired me to try my group small book idea again.  Now I understand that my call for definitions to tribe may have felt too large for some.  And I know that some people couldn't post their's.  Two people lost their paragraphs to the ozone.  Therefore, I went back to my blog settings and I messed around with the comments settings.  Try leaving a comment tonight. 

Then I decided  that a small book on "Your Favorite Sweater" would be fun.  You can post a picture and a paragraph on why it is your favorite sweater.  Then I can combine them and we will have a small book.  

It can be hard to talk about clothes in an intelligent way. Fashion critic Kennedy Fraser once wrote in The New Yorker that the act of donning a garment can seem almost furtive or trivial, something beneath debate or intellectual content. The editors of Women in Clothes would agree that it's a challenge. The book collects essays, conversations, pictures and testimonials from more than 600 women talking about how clothes shape or reflect them as human beings. review NPR 9/4/14

OK, so how did I come up with that?  Dianna was telling me about this new book she just read, Women In Clothes.  It sounds fascinating, over 600 women talking about clothes.  Not only do I want to get and read the book, but it leads me to think that most of us have favorite sweaters and that there are stories that go along with them.  And it is not only women who have favorite sweaters, but men, too.  So write on you all.  "Your favorite sweater and why."

I know you all think I'm a little batty for having this obsession on creating a collaborative small book, but I just think there is amazing potential in my reading audience. I do!

I did not get a lot of pictures today.  But I did get a lot of reading done and I have a whole day in front of me to write tomorrow.  YAY.

Day #53: Fresh Coat of Snow

#53

It made it to 40 today; warmest day of the month, thus far.  It was a beautiful day and I had planned to be iced in so I was ready to be home.  Instead I got out for a bit and went and took pictures of the freshly fallen snow in the bright bright sun.  Very nice, made me happy.

When I first went out this morning I could hear the cardinal, chickadee and Blue Jay in the big tree, but I could not see any of them.  I stood still in the unplowed snow and listened.  They were not going to let me have a shot at them, though. 

It is hawk season and I decided to take my ride on the route where I normally see hawks.  I saw none until I got out of the car in my own driveway and dropped my small grocery bag, looked up in slight frustration and there he was flying over my maple.  He landed fairly far away, but I still spied him with my lens.  This is the best time of the year to get them on film because they are really active and there are no leaves. 



You can tell it is the end of winter vacation, the highway was very busy this afternoon, skiers were going home to Connecticut and New York.  Traffic will die down around here again for a bit.  What will the gas prices do?  This week I am going to focus on adoption and my book.  Maybe when I come out of my focused state the temperatures will be rising and we will only get March snows, snows that come down and disappear quickly.  Let's keep our fingers crossed.  The birds are coming home.



Day # 52:It's David's Birthday!

#52

It is my loving friend, David's birthday.  Happy Birthday, David, may the next year be 10x better than this year for you, plus more. 

I actually have pictures from every February 21st from 2010 - 2015.  I must admit I do find it fascinating to be able to look back at them all.



2/21/10

Here is a picture of Emma from 2/21/10.  She and I spent the weekend together and did almost the exact same things we did in the past 48 hours.   Does that mean I am a boring Godmother, or that we are consistent in our activities?  I went back to my 2010 blog in search of sage words and got none, just photos of the same stuff I took this weekend; the Cove, Leyden vistas, Bookstores and Emma.



I am better at bird pictures now.  This little Downey greeted Emma and me when we pulled into Edite's driveway this morning.  He didn't leave the feeder at all until I started ringing bells and yelling for Jack. 

I am going to focus on writing my book this coming week, therefore, photography will dominate this blog.  I am going to try to find a corner somewhere and compose the first three stories.  If anyone wants to respond to any of the tasks or questions I've posed, I would respond to them.  But I am hoping to focus on formatting my  story. 

 

Day #51:A Safe Space

# 51

Grief is like a ball of string, you start at one end and wind.Then the ball slips through your fingers and rolls across the floor. Some of your work is undone but not all. You pick it up and start over again, but you never have to begin again at the end of the string. The ball never completely unwinds. You’ve made some progress. -Anon; Refuge of Grief fb page. 

Feb. 19, 2010

Safe Space seems to be the reoccuring topic of the past few days.  Two times that it has come up have been 1, describe your safe space; tell us what you see, how did you get it?, What is there?  Is it inside of outside? Describe it in as much detail as you can.  and 2, Imagine your safe space.  Recreate it in your mind.  Meditate on it until you can smell it.  These activities were brought up and used in two different contexts in the past 24 hours.  The first time someone asked me to do the first writing prompt was in a writing group many years ago.   I wrote about being in a Sycamore tree in my grandparent's backyard with my brother, Paul.  Since then I have used it on different occasions. This picture is Paul 5 years ago.  I can't find the poem that Sycamore Tree became, but I remember it because it was so immediate to me.  

The second time is an activity in the Tutu book.  It is calling on people to find a safe space before they begin to tell the stories attached to their traumas and forgiveness.  Again this connects immediately with the literacy work that I have done.  I think what I've always been really good at is creating a safe space for others to learn in.  What I have been doing this year is creating a safe space for myself to tell my story and support others to tell theirs.  It is really important and it is the first time I have done it for myself.

I think part of the creation is going to have to be the "pruning of the trees."  I need to begin to divest myself of stuff.  It makes perfect sense to me that as a single woman in my 60's I need to think about living in smaller environments, therefore, fewer belongings.  This of course feels like a huge undertaking.  Will I be able to prune this tree that has grown over the past 60 years?  

Again the landlord removed more ice off the roof to prepare for two more snowstorms in the next 5 days.  Large hunks of ice circle the ground around my house.  The lawn chair that has appeared in many shots on this blog is underneath that snow pile.  Unfortunately, so are the pipes to my furnace.

So, you all, imagine your safe space in as much detail as you can.  Is your tribe nearby?  If you care to share, please do.

Day #50: Picture Taking

#50

50 Days, amazing.    Think it was cold today?  I guess.  They still went for a walk at the Cove and I got to take plenty of pictures and had a very nice day. 

We had our first meeting of our Birthmother Support Group tonight.  Only two of us showed so we brainstormed ways to get others there and we brainstormed ideas to do.  I am feeling very excited by how all of my work is coming together.  I have a lot in front of me and still time to get it accomplished. 

Talked to my niece, Grace, yesterday about how to bring the strands of my blog braid together in a slightly tighter way.  I'm not sure everyone sees the connection between the photos and my adoption work.  I set the blog up to be a balance, an intentional thoughtful balance so that my life did not get too hard and leaning too far only in the adoption world. 

Photography has been that intentional act of recognizing the beauty in my life since 2010.  I count on it to keep me seeing.  I count on my writing to keep me speaking.  I want to continue to share what I see in this world.  I see more than beauty and I take pictures of other things, but on this blog I thought I would focus on beauty.    

Anyway, I will work a little harder on making the connections clearer.  But I have to tell you, this is kinda how my brain works.  It is like a large snail shell.  Really it is.

I think I heard many more birds than I saw today.  They are there.  Little signs of their return appear early in the morning.  But the weather forecast is for more snow and ice over the weekend and a big snow storm in the middle of next week.  It is mating season for the big birds, the eagles and hawks, and apparently some people use the return of the turkey vulture as the true first sign of spring.  It's on it's way, but we really do still have a couple of hard weeks of winter.  And then there is this cold.  It is really cold for late February.  So keep those feeders stocked you all and post pictures of the little ones.  



Day #49: Call for Birth/Original Moms

#49

 

I did a photo shoot for an author photo today.  Emma sat in different chairs for me so I could get the best light and not make the author too nervous about it.  Then I let her throw away all of the ones she hated.  I was impressed she kept five.

 

In this oh so circuitous way I have done a lot on this book recently.  I have interviewed 5 women and have two scheduled for the next two weeks  Reaching out on this blog has not been successful, but just in case a reader is on the fence about contacting me about a story or referring someone else to me, let me give you a little push of encouragement.

 

At first I was feeling negative about interviewing people over the phone, but I think that the process we've developed has been pretty successful.  I'm happy with the information I have collected both  during interviews and through writings that some of the mothers have given me.  The two ways of hearing someone's voice is going to make rich stories.  Please, if you want to tell me your story e mail me or comment here with a way for me to contact you.  I  would like to be done by the end of April with interviews. 

 

Within the next month I would like to post another fundraiser with a mock set up of at least two of the stories.   It's getting very exciting at this point.  I am very happy with it.

 

The light in the Bookmill was beautiful this afternoon.

 





Day #48: Shared Souls

#48

 

Questions for adoption book: what impact does class have on adoption? I had an interesting conversation with one of the women whose story is in my book.  I am curious to know how others feel about class as a factor in their story.

 

I've written a lot today, but none of it is blog appropriate.  I seem to be too full of over emotional personal thoughts. It seems to be the pattern.  I get anchored enough to do some interviewing and writing and then I go in to a highly personal space.  So instead of posting any of my rants of the day I am posting an old poem.  (My poetry deals with ghosts, a lot.)

 

Shared Souls

This morning when you

Slipped on top of me

I was only reminded of mistakes,

 times I’d hurt someone

or mishandled

something delicate.

This morning when your weightless presence

came to balance upon my mass

I did not perceive you

in our natural state of comfort.

I perceived you as a ghost.

I did not feel your kiss.

I did not hear your gentle breath.

I just knew you were there

offering me something

you thought consoling.

It was painful imagery.

I didn’t feel the presence

of the dogs either

 

I did not see them

curdled up together on the rug.

 

 

Nor was my Grandmother Whiton present

Nor her great- aunts

in their African clothes,

large bellies

soft skin.

 

You slipped in on top of me

Like you were my favorite glove

 wrapped around me.

Holding me in time

in 2 dimensions.

I smelled your breath

Why do ghosts have breath?

Why do they need to take in oxygen?

I took in a large deep breath

all the way down into

the pit of my belly,

deep down – feeling

blood fly through

even the smallest vein.

I feel every inch of my own body.

Blood slips below my knee caps,

down into the heal and arch

of my right foot.

 

 

Immediately, it makes me sleep again

 

Triggered

Satiated.

I must rise,

leave the spirit world

stand in the physical

reality.

You are gone.

 



Day #47: Too Cold Monday

#47

These two building are on the green of Montague Center.  Emma and I reached there at ten of five this afternoon so she could do her audition for a Renaissance Fair Festival in June.  She was really good.  I admit, I am biased, but that doesn't matter, she was really good.  They let me sit in, but she didn't need me there.  She was completely in the zone.  I thought the process was interesting and had a good time watching people prepare for these scenes they had to make up on the spot.

I'm trying to remember whether I had a way to wait patiently when I was a teenager.  I must have, I mean I had to do a lot of waiting, but I don't remember how I did it.  She draws.  I must have read.  I've been using my imagining my cloak meditation recently.  That was a nice tool to receive. 

I don't know if anyone was paying attention, but awhile back I asked if anyone knew why my stats weren't including my friend, Loren, in Jerusalem.  Well, she went to Jordan for a long weekend and during that time she registered in my stats as coming from Israel.  I do think their bubble interferes with on line information to and fro.  Pretty interesting.  If anyone does know any facts about this, let my readers know.

I so agree with this sentiment.  It really is the main reason I am doing this book.  I've almost collected half the stories.  It's great hearing peoples' stories.  I'm becoming more and more into it and trying to figure out a way to continue to make it my livelihood.  

Admit it, you'd love to know this guys story.  He looked so at home in the snow today.  We woke up to below zero temperatures, but this guy was dressed for the occasion.

 

So tomorrow I will catch everyone up on forgiveness and adoption.  But today was a day of organizing and of a few good pictures, so you get the pictures.   

Day #46: Something Called The Night

 

#46

 

 

 The magpie in the Joshua tree
Has come to rest. Darkness collects,
And what I cannot hear or see,
Broken limbs, the curious bird,
Become in darkness darkness too.
I had been going when I heard
The sound of something called the night;
I had been going but I stopped
To see the bird restrain his flight.
The bird in place, the shadows dropped
As if they waited in the light
Before I came for centuries
For something I could never see;
And what it was became itself,
And then the bird, and then the tree;
And then the force behind the breeze
Became at last the whole of me.   

 

Philip Levine

 

  

 

We were lucky in Western Ma., no blizzard once again.  Eastern Ma. was not so lucky, although I think I've heard from all my friends that they are ok. 

 

I have not managed to work on anything all weekend.  I didn't even clean my room.  I think this on-going snow makes me tired just looking at it.  

 

 

 

Day #45:Valentines Day

#45

 

More snow in Massachusetts. Kinda getting boring now.  Ho hum. 

 

Valentine's Day in 2010 this was photo #45.  I think I even sold this picture.  It's very sweet, and I remember the day as being cold, but not snowing. 



 

 

I wish I could tell you I am learning a lot about taking pictures in the snow, but I don't think I am.  When the weather clears and there is amazing light on the snow, I think I do  a pretty good job, but while it is snowing I am not quite sure what to do with settings.  Today I tried to take some pictures of the big pine in the yard, but they didn't work.  I need one of my mentors to come and show me during our next storm.

 

So the one person who actually reached out to wish me a Happy Valentine's Day was in the hot springs in Jordan.  Long ways away both geographically and meteorologically.  Is that really a word?  She lives in Jerusalem and was taking a short break in Jordan.  Loren and I are both water addicts.  She, however, is much better at discovering new seas and lakes.  I'm a little jealous today. 

 



I think the chair is almost covered entirely.  LOL.

Day #44: Community of Poetry and Song

#44

 

 

Once again we talk about tribe, or community.  I am a single person with many friends.  I feel so blessed today because I am saturated with the feel of   community.  At noontime today I sat with my friend, Annie H.  Next to us was a woman I taught at Marlboro with and her father who is 87 years old and next to them was an elderly gentleman with his daughter and her son who may have been 3 weeks old.  Grandfather was holding the baby and he started to fuss, everyone thought they had a helping idea, but Mom was the answer and she had left to shop.   Meanwhile, Annie started singing to me, she was telling me a story and singing me an old Irish song and the 87 year old gentleman, who I believe had memory issues, joined in and they sang the song through without forgetting a word, and the other man rocked his grandson.  All of a sudden we were a table of 7, singing in Spanish, singing in English, conveying stories of this and that.  I got good advice for finding a publisher and caught up on Marlboro gossip, and the baby, he got held until his mother brought back what he wanted, milk. The picture is Annie singing to Tito.

 

Then tonight I went back for the Valentine Poetry Reading.  100 people crammed together and listened to 25 poets read a poem about love and food.  Some of it was silly, some of it was sensuous, some of it was sad, and some of it was dramatic.  It was red, and soft and full of avocado and date.  I am blessed to live in a town that supports warmth on a very very cold February night.  

 

I didn't submit a poem to read tonight.  I will next year.  I would have liked to have read.  So instead, I am posting an old poem of mine written in 2005 which is not about food, avocado, dates or Valentines.  But it is about love and it is about creativity and watching it bloom.   

 

The Wind and The Blow 2

 

You wrote another video

for the bears last night.

A new one based on

The Wind and The Blow,

you called it 2.

The last one had 17 unicorns,

rainbow fairies who

left Fantasia to come

act in your video.

This one has 5 unicorns

who are teaching you,

a people, how to fly.

"Flap your arms now,

fast, flap them fast."

Well, maybe we need

fairy dust.

The dinosaurs are sometimes

good and sometimes bad.

Snakes don't have feet, you know.

Let's take the bears fishing

If we catch too many we

can put them in the refrigerator.

The music goes like this.

The bears are impressed by

your talents, they talk

about how good it is.

They whisper in my ear,

"especially since she's only four."

 

This picture is of the same snowboarder ice sculpture.  He was carved from 2 large blocks of ice that separated so his legs have been severed from his torso.  He is melting, but someone picked him up so he wouldn't get damaged anymore.

Day #43: Both Sides Now

#43

 

 

 

I really did get to use picture taking as a means for finding beauty today.  Emma and I took a small ride after I picked her up from school.  The days are getting longer so there was interesting light in the hills at 4:30.  These pictures are two sides of a hill taken within 2 minutes of each other.  How beautiful is that?

 

 

 

For local readers, if you are interested in being a part of a Birthmother/Original Mother Support Group, please join us at Greenfield's Market at 6:30 - 8:00 on Feb. 19th, a week from tonight.   If you have questions feel free to email me at lindy.whiton@gmail.com.  I believe it is really helpful to be with others who have experienced the same pain.  I believe it is helpful to have a safe place where one can share one's feelings with others who understand.  Come join us if you are an Original Mother.