Day #360: Peace Backpack

 # 360

This is a day late, but still heart felt.  

Merry Christmas.  It is almost noon on Christmas day and the sun is shining.  It isn't as warm as predicted, but it is blue and lovely and the fog is gone after four straight days of it.

I have been waking up in Westminster West on Christmas morning for almost 15 years.  This year I made the decision not to participate in any traditions.  The reason for this is kind of double edged.  I am having a very difficult time at the moment, and yet, I feel so blessed, so full of gratitude because for the first time in a true and deep way I have been letting myself take in all of the love and support offered me.  I am vulnerable, in pain, and thankful all at once.  Thus, I decided to take this day for some spiritual self-reflection.  But that means forgoing the love and familial warmth of Christmas morning.  I miss them.

Part of me wants to acknowledge the people who have been irreplaceable this year.  But that misses the point.  The point has to do with the positive energy,  the warm light, the strong arms and steady hands who all together comprise this pod of warmth and protection I have felt each day.  All together this energy embraces me. 

On Monday when Denise and I  were driving back from my disability hearing just before the Noho airport, I looked to my right and a blue heron was flying parallel to me, his wings spread out in a glide, his coloring visible in the grey dreary wetland.  It was a powerful image; they are such amazing birds.  It was December 21st in Western Massachusetts and there was a great blue heron flying right near me. How could I not take him as a sign?  They say he is a sign of a creative future, a new world, change. 

Last night, Kate Stevens, minister of a local Congregational church, talked about packing a backpack with items that would take care of oneself in this time of fear and violence and distress.  She suggested that you memorize that poem, song lyric or prayer that speaks to you, that brings you internal peace and place it in your backpack.  I want to find that piece of peace today.  I would love to be able to write it for others, just give a little bit of peace.

For me, my picture taking is my biggest item in my backpack.  This blog has been that; a place to focus on beauty, gratitude and forgiveness.   I am shocked at how regular I have been and as the project comes to an end I'm trying to be conscious of the other tools I have packed in my peace bag along the way.

I haven't finished the book and I won't give up on it, but because of my pain and my inability to support myself,  changes will come.  I now have to research making a living in my present condition.

But I am held, so I am not alone.  What a life?  How lucky I am.  Today I am nurturing my spirit.  Merry Christmas, everyone!